The Heart Posture That Changes Everything
My first post was written from the heart of a mother …. for mothers. This one comes from the perspective of an LCSW and includes honest personal reflections. I hope it resonates with both men and women.
Have you ever wondered, what common trait is present in those who create lasting change? It isn’t intelligence, it isn’t education, it isn’t gender, it isn’t income, it isn’t social class………. it’s humility. The more years I spend in therapy, the more convinced I become that lasting change is less about insight and more about the “posture of the heart.” Understanding things is not the same as changing them. Self-awareness is not the same as growth. Talking about a problem is not the same as “peeling back the layers” and addressing it. (I use an onion as a metaphor :) Sometimes people feel a “sense of control” when they understand the problem, however, many problems don’t go away through understanding alone.
Some people can identify their childhood wounds yet continue repeating the same patterns in adulthood. I’ve seen people with less insight than others who have made changes that has saved their lives, relationships, and marriages because some type of action was taken. Whether it was changing a perspective, replacing negative thinking errors, letting go of bitterness, changing attitudes or increasing gratitude. The people who grow the most are not always the most insightful or the most psychologically minded. Those who make lasting changes are usually the ones willing to be honest, humble, take responsibility, and have a genuine desire to change themselves.
They learn to ask, “how am I contributing to this,” “what needs to change in me,” “am I willing to surrender what is not working,” “am I defending myself or examining myself”. When people can lay down pride and come from a genuine place -it’s easier to apologize, break addictions, save marriages, become better parents and grow spiritually. I want to talk to the men for a second here. Men seek therapy more now than ever before due to the decrease in stigma with mental health care. Often what pushes a man to try therapy is being at a crossroads, shame, remorse, most often when a relationship is at risk of ending or after a set of choices they’ve made has “blown up their life” as some have described it.
Men don’t talk about their feelings generally to many people and may not always have “a safe space” to do that. Especially when living “inside” conflicted relationships. When they feel safe and choose to be vulnerable - some men become teachable surprisingly quickly. I have seen men make significant progress and steadily once they reach a place of humility. The most significant changes for men came when they finally became willing to look honestly at themselves. Humility is not weakness, it is the willingness to say, “I may be part of the problem”, “I need help” or “I need to do something different.” When pride is laid down, growth accelerates because the obstacle in the way has been removed. One thing I’ve found surprising in my work is how many men choose to discuss deeply personal struggles with female therapists. One man said, “it’s because it’s like talking to a nurturing mother figure.” I have wondered if the very act of sitting across from a woman and discussing a source of shame requires a level of humility and vulnerability that is therapeutic in and of itself. Men spend their life carrying the pressure to always appear strong, in control, unaffected by stress and relationships which is an unrealistic expectation for anyone. Choosing humility can feel vulnerable and scary. Yet it is the very thing that opens the door to healing and strengthening relationships. It’s not that growth is easier for men- it’s that humility can remove some of the biggest obstacles (pride) that were preventing change in the first place.
In my experience, women often face different barriers to healing and growth. While more men wrestle with pride, fear of conflict, communication and defensiveness; women often struggle more with guilt, people pleasing, self-doubt, feeling overwhelmed with family responsibility and fear of disappointing others. Men do not “appear” to feel as guilty about engaging in hobbies and taking time to decompress and women need to give themselves more permission to do this. What I have learned is that healing doesn't require us to deny our mistakes, nor does it require us to carry responsibility that was never ours to begin with. In marriage counseling- I have seen many relationships improve after the husband starts encouraging their overwhelmed and drained wives to take time for themselves to decompress. This is naturally reinforcing because the more husbands help provide these opportunities- they experience their wives becoming more emotionally and physically available to them. They were motivated to support their wives in this way (especially in child rearing seasons) because husbands began to benefit from a decrease in stress in their wives and homes.
Many women can identify and communicate their emotions, understand relationship dynamics and recognize harmful patterns. We usually understand the problem- sometimes the next step can be difficult- setting a boundary, changing a habit, or tolerating discomfort for growth. The strength for women is they often have significant insight and self-awareness. Women carry tremendous emotional weight, think deeply, feel deeply, and often take responsibility for the people we love. Therapy can provide women a place to lay those burdens down and be “seen.”
As a therapist- I have observed that it’s sometimes harder for women to see themselves as prideful. Pride was a barrier for me in my journey…...grieving the season of motherhood in reflection. “Like all of us- I was an imperfect parent in an imperfect family system, and I had to learn to stop carrying burdens that belonged to other people, belonged to God, or were circumstances that were beyond my control.” It is tempting to believe we can compensate for negative patterns in the home-—-we cannot. For me personally, I realized that my inability to forgive myself for my limitations was rooted partly in pride. I was holding myself to a standard that even God wasn’t requiring of me.
Because I am transparent about my faith- I believe we continue to carry shame long after Christ redeemed us. Humility is accepting that we are not God, that we cannot control, rescue, heal, overcompensate, regulate other’s emotions or carry everyone that we love. That realization and acceptance have helped me, and it helps the way I sit with people in therapy. It is trusting that God is at work in our child’s lives even in the places we fall short. At the same time my son was entering high school, driving, gaining more independence, experiencing influences outside of the home. I was navigating an intense season professionally and personally. I was managing multiple psychiatric units, remodeling a home, I totaled our car by hitting a deer on the way to the ER, my mother suffered a major health crisis that lasted several months and eventually I developed shingles from the stress. Looking back, I was simply surviving in that season, and I was only one person.
Growth begins after we reach some form of humility. In many men, I've witnessed remarkable change when pride gives way to being teachable. In many women, I have witnessed remarkable change when guilt gives way to taking care of themselves emotionally- the paths look different but both require courage to surrender what has been keeping them stuck.
For me as a therapist, it’s difficult to sit across from a person I have worked with and finally start to see light shining through, positive changes in their behavior, gentleness towards themselves in an area, giving others compassion, more realistic in their thinking and responses, increase in humility and accountability and despite pointing out the resilience seen in them- many have significant difficulty seeing it within themselves. Maybe they are waiting for monumental change ... .and do not understand steps that start small matters and therapists know change is a process that takes time because….it can be difficult.
The bottom line for all of us- is when we (men and women) can apologize and repair, when we care more about the rupture than being right, when we work to be emotionally honest and genuine- change happens. What I have seen in my personal life, my own heart and through therapy sessions–meaningful change begins with humility. It allows us to recognize our blind spots, accept feedback, and take responsibility for our choices. When pride (different from feeling proud) has been serving as a barrier- laying it down creates rapid growth.
Let me clarify, humility is NOT self-condemnation. Humility is seeing ourselves truthfully–our strengths, weaknesses, limitations, and need for grace.” Humility is the greatest accelerator of change….in my professional opinion from direct experience and observation. It’s easier to be vulnerable because there is no longer a reason to protect an “image of perfection.” The moment a person becomes willing to say “I need help, I was wrong, I don’t know how to fix this, I’m broken in this area” something begins to shift and we can become better each day—-isn’t that something worth striving for!!!
Practical Takeaway
● If you learn that you struggle with boundaries. I encourage you to say “let me check on some things and get back to you” instead of automatically saying yes. This gives you time to consider it rather than react to please.
● If any of you find yourself struggling with the same pain month after month, consider asking yourself, “how am I contributing to this.” Understanding dynamics doesn’t always create change, it is more often in doing things differently.
● If you know that you are carrying resentment/bitterness, try praying for that person (just try it). And if you're not comfortable with prayer, try embracing compassion. Ask yourself, “what pain, fear, deficit, limitation, brokenness might this person have been carrying” and then watch a 4-minute video on YouTube called…” Under the Surface” Empathy video by Austin - trust me. Hopefully it can help those that tend to take things very personally.
****Another technique to tuck away somewhere is “The Humility Pause”. The next time you feel hurt or frustrated, defensive, stuck……. pause and ask yourself 3 questions (seriously)
1. What am I feeling? (Anger, sadness, disappointed, fear)
2. What story am I telling myself? “They don’t care”, “I’m not important”, “They should know what I need”
3. Consider what else could be true? Could they be stressed? Could they be operating from their own wounds? Am I making a negative assumption or jumping to conclusions
Seasonal Living Takeaway Summer allows us to enjoy the simple things- gratitude and more social gatherings. Here is a summer recipe to try!
Banana Split Dessert Cup
Ingredients: 3.4 oz vanilla Jello instant pudding (may use sugar free), 2 cups cold milk, 8 oz tub of frozen whipped topping (thawed), 1 cup chopped strawberries, 2 bananas chopped, ½ cup crushed, drained pineapple, (nuts optional), chocolate or caramel sauce for topping, maraschino cherries, rainbow sprinkles, (6) 9 oz. plastic cups (Dollar Tree)
Instructions: 1) In a large mixing bowl, mix together pudding and milk until well combined. 2) Place the bowl inside the refrigerator for 10 minutes for the pudding to stiffen. 3) Remove from the frig and add whip topping. Mix in until fully combined. 4) Add a small handful of chopped bananas to the bottom of the plastic cups to cover the bottom. Add some strawberries. 5) Top with vanilla pudding mixture, filling the cups ⅔ full. Add crushed pineapple and or nuts to the pudding (or whatever toppings you prefer). 6) Garnish pudding cups with whipped topping, chocolate/caramel or strawberry sauce, sprinkles and add some cherries!
Verse Takeaway
Psalm 51:17 -the verse is important because David wrote it after being confronted about his own sin. He realized God was not looking for religious performance, but for a humble, repentant heart. Scripture consistently presents- humility as the starting place for change. “
“A broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise”- this gives me hope and security knowing that all I need to do is humble my heart and God will hear me! During this season of grieving motherhood, I have experienced this personally. More than once, after bringing a broken heart to God in prayer, I received an unexpected text from my son within minutes- that spoke directly to what my heart needed (“Just thinking of you, love you, I’ll come visit soon, miss ya!”). These experiences reminded me that God sees us, hears us, and faithfully meets us in our pain.
We all have the capability of making changes in our lives- humility can create the meaningful change that is worth fighting for!